Spiegeltje, spiegeltje...

De beste sollicitatiebrief. Ooit. [NOT]

Je kunt je afvragen waarom iemand imagewise überhaupt nog investment banker wil worden, maar deze vlijtige student ziet het helemaal zitten. JP Morgan hem helaas niet echt.

Dat zou iets te maken kunnen hebben met de licht pompeuze borstklopperij in zijn sollicitatiebriefje. Natuurlijk, in sollicitatiebrieven poetst een mensch zichzelf en zijn zelfbeeld enigszins op, dat is een spelletje dat iedereen meespeelt. Maar deze douchebag maakt het zelfs voor Amerikaanse begrippen redelijk bont. 

Crisis
Dat je je afvraagt waarom deze Mark nog niet eigenhandig een oplossing voor de eurocrisis heeft gevonden of tienvoudig winnaar van de Badwater Ultramarathon is. De brief is in ieder geval goed voor het nodige vermaak, niet in het laatst op de Wall Street-burelen. Iemand bij HR is zo vriendelijk geweest om de boel te forwarden naar de ganse wereld. Waardoor de baankans voor deze godenzoon omgekeerd evenredig aan het formaat van zijn ego is. Ah well. Hij kan altijd nog zelfhulpboeken gaan schrijven. 

1/23/2012

J.P. Morgan

Dear Sir or Madame:

I am an ambitious undergraduate at NYU triple majoring in Mathematics, Economics, and Computer Science. I am a punctual, personable, and shrewd individual, yet I have a quality which I pride myself on more than any of these.

I am unequivocally the most unflaggingly hard worker I know, and I love self-improvement. I have always felt that my time should be spent wisely, so I continuously challenge myself; I left Villanova because the work was too easy. Once I realized I could achieve a perfect GPA while holding a part-time job at NYU, I decided to redouble my effort by placing out of two classes, taking two honors classes, and holding two part-time jobs. That semester I achieved a 3.93, and in the same time I managed to bench double my bodyweight and do 35 pull-ups.

I say these things only because solid evidence is more convincing than unverifiable statements, and I want to demonstrate that I am a hard worker. J.P. Morgan is a firm with a reputation that precedes itself and employees who represent only the best and rightest in finance. I know that the employees in this firm will push me to excellence, especially within the Investment Banking division. In fact, one of the supporting reasons I chose Investment Banking over any other division was that I know it is difficult. I hope to augment my character by diligently working for the professionals at Morgan Stanley, and I feel I have much to offer in return.

I am proficient in several programming languages, and I can pick up a new one very quickly. For instance, I learned a years worth of Java from NYU in 27 days on my own; this is how I placed out of two including: Money and Banking, Analysis, Game Theory, Probability and Statistics. Even further, I am taking Machine Learning and Probabilistic Graphical Modeling currently, two programming courses offered by Stanford, so that I may truly offer the most if I am accepted. I am proficient with Bloomberg terminals, excellent with excel, and can perform basic office functions with terrifying efficiency. I have plenty of experience in the professional world through my internship at Merrill Lynch, and my research assistant position at NYU. In fact, my most recent employer has found me so useful that he promoted me to a Research Assistant and an official CTED intern. This role is usually reserved for Masters students, but my employer gave the title to me so that he could give me more work.

Please realize that I am not a braggart or conceited, I just want to outline my usefulness. Egos can be a huge liability, and I try not to have one.

Thank you so much for your time, and I look forward to hearing from you.

Best,

Mark

Via Gawker.